Posted by: L | October 26, 2007

Reflection & dreams

The middle is a good place to start. I can’t start at the beginning. I did that January 2006 in Knitting – Why? The honest answer. I had surgery for skin cancer that May. What does that have to do with being in the middle? Or for that matter with a life/knitting blog? Quite a bit actually.

I’m in the middle of reshaping some of the dreams I voiced in that post. The long and short. The honest and the hard part? I was blindsided. Cancer at 39? Yep it sure was. I set the date. Had the surgery. Heard the surgeons words, “You won’t be the same.” Really was all I could think. He continued “I can’t tell you how you’ll heal, how the nerves will regenerate or how the loss of muscle and skin that’s created the shortening of your neck will affect you. I can tell you, you ‘ll need to make some adjustments.” What might those be? I remember inquiring. “I don’t know. You’ll have to learn them as you go.”

Sooooo…along I went. With life. Didn’t change a thing. Surgery one day. Off and running a week or so later. I still knit. I still taught, painted, designed, worked and went to school. All in all I held my initial dreams in a death grip.

“You’ll have to learn as you go.” He wasn’t kidding. That obituary came back to haunt me. I heard the words. I really did. I just didn’t absorb the words to my being. Which translated into not living my life in truth or with grace. I wasn’t honoring the cancer or me.

Ain’t hindsight wonderful? Really. It’s not so bad. This life lesson only took 18 months (or so) to sink in. OK. Kick me in the arse. They should all be so short!

I’m learning to honor his words and me. I’m (publicly) putting one dream to bed an am weaving another. The dream I’m laying to rest is the one to be a knitwear designer. The result of my surgery has brutally shown me that I am unable to knit, swatch, design and do all the fine motor skills required, repeatedly, hour after hour, week after week. Actually I can do it, but not without incurring debilitating migraines, the loss of the use of my thumb, the ability to type or do day-to-day tasks. Life’s to short to hold on that tight. I’ll still knit and spin and create one offs. Just not as a prolific designer.

The dream I’m weaving includes the fiber arts of knitting, spinning, writing and the world and people that support us in our pursuits. These new dreams are in there infancy and are woven with fairy fiber. It’s a powerful dream and it’s coming.

That’s not a middle. That’s a new beginning.

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